Last week was a busy one. Cole was in and out of the house for work events and travel and I had a booking on Tuesday morning followed by a bunch of Beautycounter training and planning for an upcoming event. Somehow, we managed to squeeze in a date night on Wednesday. By Friday night I was exhausted, but the weekend had just begun. I packed up overnight bags for me and the girls and was asleep by 10:30 pm – Saturday morning we would head to Breakfast with Santa at the Y and then head straight to Alpharetta, Georgia for Cole’s company holiday party.
At 6:15 am on Saturday, I lay in bed wide awake, scrolling through social media for a little while, before deciding I should bundle up and get groceries for the coming week. We were expected to get a bunch of snow between Sunday and Monday and you never know what that could mean out here. It for sure means that school will be closed, and grocery stores may be too. It definitely means all the bread and milk will be gone ;). If you follow me on Instagram and happened to see my InstaStories on Friday, then you already know that I don’t take the Charlotte weather forecast too seriously. Originally from New York, having lived in Montana for three years, I just can’t imagine the snow out here being bad.
I already knew that I had pushed myself a little too hard last week. Self-care was pretty much non-existent, as I skipped all my workouts and drank a little too much wine. I could feel soreness in my neck and shoulders and like I might be coming down with a cold. I swiped my nose with Zicam and dropped little Oscillococcinum pellets on my tongue, which I swear by. My awesome girlfriend Ananda hooked me up with Fire Cider and I was ready to power through our weekend. Fire Cider is an amazing natural tonic made with apple cider vinegar, honey, and a bunch of other things and has wonderful medicinal purposes. Mama was ready.
Breakfast with Santa was adorable as always, the girls enjoyed some pancakes before hitting up the craft table and visiting with Santa. Eva asked Santa for a Litter Critter toy house and Lyla asked him for a real live ball python snake. What in the world?! She glanced up at me while I gave Santa the eyes on that one. Not even a chance. We can’t even take care of the one pet we have, never mind the fact that that said pet would eat any other pet that came into our house.
Next stop, Atlanta, for Cole’s company Holiday party. I loved that his company invited families to attend the party. The party was at a venue called Main Event. We bowled, played a bunch of arcade games, ate, laughed, and had a wonderful time. On Sunday morning the girls enjoyed some time in the pool and jacuzzi, and this is where the self-judgment came in.
We had already had such a fun trip, and this pool time was icing on the cake. We all got suited up, but I wasn’t sure if I’d really get into that pool. Maybe the jacuzzi but I just wasn’t in the mood to get wet and cold. I knew the girls were going to beg me to go in, and I could already feel the guilt creeping in before they even asked. Cole got into the jacuzzi right away while the girls got into the pool. Our girls quickly made friends with two other little girls and they all went from pool to jacuzzi, splashing around having the best time, while I observed from a lounge chair.
While sitting on the lounge chair, I also observed the parents of the two little girls that had made friends with our girls. They sat at a table, wearing plain clothes, with papers sprawled out. They were working on something and it seemed understood that they definitely were not getting in the pool or jacuzzi at all. Their girls didn’t even bother asking them. And I wasn’t judging them, I was simply observing them and thinking ‘I wonder why they seem so confident, just sitting there working, while I sit here questioning whether or not I am a good mother if I don’t get into that pool?’ I wasn’t judging those parents, but I was judging myself.
I ended up getting in the jacuzzi for a little while and the girls didn’t seem like they were any happier than when I was watching them from the lounge chair. The truth was that we had the sweetest little getaway, and whether I got into that pool with them or not, was not going to make or break our weekend. We had so much fun just the night before and yet there I was wondering if I was a Mom that had fun with her children. The thought of it sounds so silly as I’m typing this, but, at that moment, at that pool, I was ultimately questioning my enough-ness as a mother over something so small and insignificant.
It made me think of this blog, it made me think of my readers and the stories and lies that we tell ourselves. It made me think of how we downgrade our hard work and the effort we put into motherhood and all the other areas of our lives. I don’t know how to undo this habit, but I do know that the more I’m honest about it and call myself on my own BS, the better. And I hope you can do that too. I hope that you can see through your own storytelling and know that the deep truth is that a small insignificant inaction does not negate all the multiple and consistent actionable steps you take every day in the right direction.
As I sit here typing this blog while my children happily play outside in the snow with all their neighbor friends, I’m reminding myself of all the amazing ways I show up as a Mother to these two beautiful girls every day. I’m reminding myself that they will have a hot meal on the table tonight and a hot shower before bed. I’m reminding myself that tonight I’ll rehearse lines with Lyla for her school play so that she has the first ten scenes memorized by Thursday. I’ll remind myself that I’ll sneak into gymnastics practice 15 minutes early so I can watch Eva in her element. I’ll remind myself that even if I didn’t, I’d still be enough for these girls. And that even if I didn’t get into that pool, I’m still a fun Mom.